Thoughts

I know joy because I truly know real sorrow.

I feel numb, heavy, and remind myself every once in a while to just breathe.

On Friday, I was very angry. Angry with Lisa and angry with God wondering how he could do this to us when we have and are living a righteous life and truly Tyler would be better in our home and family, having the gospel of Jesus Christ in his life. I was angry at our infertility problem…something that I have forgotten since we have adopted Ryder.

Thankfully, my anger did not last long. I was able to go to Sacrament today. I left afterwards instead of staying for the meetings because I was afraid any look, comment or hug would have caused my knees to buckle collapsing me to the floor.

I miss him. I miss the way he tried to look for Ryder when Ryder was so loud and crashing everything in our house upside down. I miss the way he would pucker his lips together so tightly, lift his chin up, and refuse to eat anymore. I miss being able to stop his crying simply by whispering “Sshh”. He was and is a sweet baby in everyway.

Lisa said some hurtful things. The one that hit the hardest was saying that he was never even mine yet. Yes, he was never legally mine but he was carried in my heart for 3 months and carried in my arms for 13 wonderful days. Owen and I heard his first cry, fed him his first bottle, and changed his first diaper.

We named him.

He rode in his car seat for the first time in our car. His first home was ours.

When Lisa was deciding to parent or choose adoption Ryder and I went down to Socorro to visit Lisa and Tyler. The hardest part of the visit was seeing how Tyler knew Ryder’s voice and was looking for him. Ryder loved him so much, and Tyler loved Ryder. We didn’t tell Ryder what was really happening during all of this but Ryder knew. He was telling Tyler touching things like “Tyler, I love you so much!” “Tyler you are so cute!” “Tyler will cry when he’s not in our house”. Every night he asks Owen to tell him a story about McKenna, Brianna, Ryder, and Tyler. Owen graciously includes Tyler in the story but we are wondering how to stop. Every time Ryder mentions Tyler…which is still at least a couple times a day my heart stops.

Adoption loss is different than death in a way that is so hard to explain. He is not being held in God’s arms. There is no peace that I will be reunited with Tyler after this life. He will never be one of my children…and that is a hard loss to grieve.