Adoption Slideshow

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I used to listen to this song "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours" in High School alot and it always was very touching to me. Now I know why this song touched my heart so many years ago as I have adopted two beautiful boys.

Introducing Isaac Hunter Ala!

The papers are all signed and it's official! Please welcome Isaac Hunter Ala!! He was born Thursday December 2nd 2010 at 7:22pm. He weighed 7 lbs. 12 oz. and was 21 in. Of course I am biased but he is sooooo cute and sweet. :)

This adoption experience was so amazing and so smooth. Until you've been a party in adoption it is hard to understand how truly remarkable adoption is. Bekah will always hold such a special place in my heart for placing her baby in my arms. It is one of the most unselfish acts to witness next to the Savior's sacrifice.

We were so lucky to be in the delivery room and see his birth! I got to even cut the umbilical cord. Seeing and hearing his first breath was so cherished. His spirit is strong and I felt connected to him immediately.

After Isaac's birth we drove back to Dallas and came back Friday afternoon with Ryder. Bekah was so sweet to let us stay in her room all day Friday and Saturday. Owen and Ryder spent the night at Bekah's sister's house Friday night and I stayed overnight in the hospital with Bekah. It was a great time to get alone time with her and to talk. I love her the same as my little sisters and want the absolute best for her.

Bekah has 4 sisters, like me. They and her parents were all there for the entire experience and they were so fun, funny, and thoughtful of this experience. It gives me so much peace knowing she has so much support and such a wonderful family.

Arrived in Dallas

We left Albuquerque last night (Wednesday) and stayed over night in a "ho and tell" according to Ryder. He was very excited to stay in the hotel! He got all dressed all by himself in his swim trunks this morning but the pool didn't open till later. So...next time Ryder. :) We then had a nice breakfast and drove 7 hours on a pretty boring and straight highway...and I mean flat and straight! We took some breaks and it really went faster than I thought it would. Scooby Doo definitely helped.

We are now at my cousins house in Dallas and Bekah is now in the hospital in Austin for "softening". They are planning on inducing her in the morning. Owen and I will leave for Austin early tomorrow morning and if all goes well this little boy will be born tomorrow! We are excited to see Bekah again and to meet this baby boy. Our plan is to be there for the delivery, stay for awhile, and then drive back to Austin for the evening so that Bekah can spend some alone time with the baby. Then we will return the next day and stay in a hotel in Austin until the placement.

Ryder is having a blast with my cousins boys. It is so nice to know he will be in good hands tomorrow while we are in Austin.

The thought of holding another baby in my arms is undescribable. I get tears in my eyes thinking about it and I am overwhelmed with grattitude. I know that if he belongs in our family Heavenly Father will make sure it happens. I have complete faith in His plan.

We won adoption survivor!

When we met Bekah, our birthmom, she said that she wanted the first e-mail that she sent us to say..."You won adoption survivor!!". She started out with 100 couples, all couples with dogs. So, thankgoodness for our big dog Simba. :) From there she narrowed it down to 5 couples and then had a sweet spiritual confirmation that her baby boy belonged in our family. She is very similar to Ryder's birthmom. She is beautiful, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and easy to be around. Her 4 year old daughter is SO cute! We fell in love with her instantly and also had the opportunity to meet the birthfather who on the outside looks "very tough" but is just a giant teddy bear. This baby could be big as she is 5' 7 and he is 6'0! We have another Ryder!!

Things seem very solid. She asked Ryder if he was excited to have a baby brother and Ryder said "Yes! Yay!! I'll take care of him...not my mom or dad." It was very sweet. Of course Ryder won everyone's hearts as he always does.

We are so fortunate to have a place to stay while in Texas. We could be there for at least a couple weeks until all the paperwork clears. My cousin lives in Dallas and has two boys that Ryder LOVES! Thank you Saunder family for letting us move in...I can't imagine the hotel bill we would have had to pay. This is a huge blessing for us.

Bekah is scheduled to be induced Dec.2nd. We are praying that this little boy can wait until then because it sure makes planning for everyone alot easier and there are already so many emotions involved in adoption that the more surprises (babies coming early) the more emotions there are. She is having family fly in for the birth and is a very planned person so I hope things will go as she wants and he comes Dec.2 which is 2 weeks away!

I have started shopping for baby items and am cleaning my house like crazy! Tomorrow my goal is to wash the baby clothes and start packing and getting our car ready to go.

I will try my best to keep everyone posted. My next post will let you all know we are heading out to Texas!

Happy 3 Month Birthday Baby Tyler

Today is Tyler's 3 month birthday. It is interesting how his memories come back around this time of the month. I hope he is doing well. I hope he is happy and loved and safe. Happy 3 months old sweet baby.

I am trying not to get to excited about this next potential adoption...but I find it hard not to get excited. We are flying out next weekend (Nov. 6) to meet her. She lives in Austin TX. Yes, I did say we would never adopt from Texas; however, it appears the laws are different than I thought. The birthfather can sign/relinquish his rights before the baby is born and he already has. The birthmother can sign 2 days after the baby is born. Then they take the two signatures and present them to a judge. Apparently you can get in with a judge the same day or after instead of DAYS like NM. Once the judge gives the okay it is final.

I do have complete faith that Heavenly Father's hand will be in this adoption. I know that if this baby is meant to be in our family then he will be and if not then I trust in Heavenly Father and have faith that things will be the way they should be.

Owen and I are working on our project of baby boy names. This will be our fourth time this year brainstorming baby boy names. I'm not sure why choosing a name is so difficult for us! I think part of it is the emotional part of choosing a name. When you brainstorm and come to a conclusion of a name, you automatically get attached to the baby. By waiting last minute to choose a name I think psychologically it's less time to get attached. I think it may be time to get a new name book!

3 Weeks

Well, I am surprised that it has been almost 3 weeks since my last post. It is exciting in a way because it's proof that I am okay. Will I always remember Tyler...yes. But, I think about him less and less every day and I might be brave to say that I have let him go.

What has helped me to let him go? Time...is the biggest factor. When there is heartache truly time heals it. It just takes time. I have experienced heartache before and time was the cure and it is now. Time will never let you down!

Another factor...we've been corresponding with a new birthmom! Things are looking very positive. We are going to fly out to meet her in a few weeks. She is due in a month and a half! We have a good feeling about her but again my friend time will tell.

My sister was surprised that we are willing to try again so soon. I told her "Well...I don't think things could be much worse than Tyler's experience!" I do say this with a sense of humor because I think it's very true. We are not taking this baby boy home this time until it is official.

This new potential adoption is still very new...so much can change in one day. But, for now it gives me a little something to look forward to! :)

Jewel - The Shape Of You

Just a side note...Jewel is from Owen's same city Soldotna, Alaska. She sang at my SIL's wedding. :)

Happy Second Month Birthday

Last week my sister and her twin girls came to visit us. It was so needed and felt great to be around her with her girls McKenna and Brianna. It was life the way it was before Tyler and I was amazed how 10 or even 30 minutes would go by without me thinking of Tyler. Every day is getting better but things natually remind me of him and I know with time I will get over this loss. Maybe not ever completely, but enough for me to continue living a happy life.

I'm very grateful for my sisters. My twin and I share a special bond. During her stay we each shared a tear or two. She is a remarkable example of living life with a postive attitude despite life's obstacles. Her twins were born early and are both special needs children. McKenna just started walking at age three. We are so proud of her! She is a very determined little girl. We don't know yet if she will ever be able to run, but it is truly a miracle that she is even walking. Brianna is nonverbal and has some major eye sight problems. My sister thinks she has a type of autism. She is so beautiful, sweet, and has such a special spirit. I was able to hold her and I felt her love and Heavenly Father's love so strong through her. It was like she was telling me "It will be okay Camille." We are very lucky to have those girls in our family. McKenna, Brianna, and Ryder have such a special relationship. Without a doubt I know they knew each other before coming to earth. The connection between them is so strong. They love each other SO much!

It was so sad when they left. Even Ryder was very sad. He told me he didn't want to live in New Mexico anymore and that he wanted to move to Utah.

When they left Tyler's memories came back strong again and particularly tonight as his second month birthday is tomorrow. I wonder if every birthday of Tyler's if Lisa won't remember us at the hospital taking care of all of Tyler's firsts. I was able to sleep with him at the hospital on his first night he was born. I wonder if mom's remember their delivery on their childrens birthday? I think of Darianne, Ryders birthmom all day long on Ryder's birthdays. It would seem that Lisa will always remember us on his birthday as we were there in the hospital so involved...but maybe not...who knows?

I do miss him tonight. Shortly after we lost Tyler I found a new song that Jewel wrote about loss. It reminds me of Tyler. I will try to post it next.

Luckily tomorrow we have a very busy day to keep my mind off him. Ryder has a pancake party at his preschool, I have a baby shower for my sweet friend who lost Bennett after he was born and her second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage (she is a true example that the sun will shine again), Ryder's friend has a birthday party, and Owen is the ortho surgeon for a hockey team tomorrow night so we will be watching some hockey and BYU Football, and I look forward to watching the general relief society broadcast after we get home. I love DVR, and BTW my favorite TV show is Modern Family. I highly recommend you start watching. We just received Season 1 from netflix and it is hilarious!!

Cousins bowling

Ryder's bowling stance

A butterfly about to be awakened

Fun at the park

They were not sure about this ride

The Tender Mercies of the Lord

I was so excited to find a video for this talk by Elder Bednar that was given in Conference April 2005. This was while we were living in NYC and I was truly deeply anguished by our infertility. These days were dark, dark days for me. Much, much, much more darker than this experience. Infertility, miscarriage, or failed adoptions can be unseen heartaches. These are unseen heartaches because they are so personal they are usually not shared during the events. This makes it worse because you feel so alone and it is a period in your life when you need great support.

Until we were officially approved to adopt through LDS Family Services not one of my close friends in NYC knew of my past heartache with infertility. Looking back I know we made the right decision in when to share our adoption plans with our friends.

I am glad I decided to share this failed placement because it has been so comforting to not have to experience this grief, though smaller, alone this time.

This talk changed my life while in NYC. Even in times of complete despair I have witnessed tender mercies from the Lord. I have many, many, and many tender mercies that I am so very thankful for.

Here is the youtube link in case it's to slow feeding in the blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3B4El4B9LVw&feature=related

Hannah's Hope

I am reading a book called "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. It's about seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss. So far it's been an excellent book.

The title of the book couldn't be more perfect. Hannah is a true inspirational character in the Bible that I have related to during times in my life. It's hard to live in today's times and want children but have to keep waiting. I can't imagine how troubling it was in Hannah's times to not be able to have children. You were considered nothing without children back then.

The author of the book shares some of her feelings with adoption loss and says it so perfectly...

"Probably the hardest part of adoption loss is not knowing how the lives of each of these children turned out. Each of the children we hoped to adopt had become "ours" in our hearts for a time. Yet we do not know where they are or how they are. This is difficult, but I believe I have an idea of God's reasoning for even these heartbreaks. He allowed these children to touch our lives, and He is now using us as PERSONAL PRAYER WARRIORS in their lives (as well as in the lives of the biological families involved). I may never know, this side of heaven, God's plans for these precious ones, but I can pray for them always. What a blessing to be used in this way!

How amazing it will be to one day see what part my prayers played in God's plans for the children who share my heart, though not my home."

I truly am thankful to know that no one can take away prayer from me. I can always pray for Tyler and Lisa anytime I want to. What peace that brings!

Happy Times!!

Yesterday, Owen and Ryder left on a daddy/son and "guys trip" to the BYU/Airforce football game that is today. This is the BEST thing that Owen could do right now. Anyone that doesn't know Owen...he is an EXTREME BYU football fan! This trip is exactly what he needs right now. Airforce is good this year...I hope they win for Owen! GO COUGARS!!!

So, what is a wife to do with her husband and son gone for close to 48 hours??

I went to the spa...and didn't feel bad spending one penny of it!!! :) It was lovely and just what I needed.

I knew it would be great for Owen and Ryder to leave for a bit because I have some major bookkeeping and a corporate tax return to prepare, some serious cleaning to do, and a box full of mail/bills that I have neglected ever since we brought Tyler home. Even though this is suppose to be my "productive day" all I really want to do is...

1. Go shopping

2. Go sit by the pool at the gym and read (yes, I didn't say go to the gym to work out)

3. Go shopping

Don't get me wrong. Ryder is my WORLD. However, even grocery shopping without a 3 1/2 year old running around the store is peaceful and can become fun. :)

We'll see what happens today!? The pictures above are of Owen and Ryder and the boys before their trip to Colorado for the game. In the first picture Ryder is holding his "Tyler bear".

Children's Grieving

A week ago I was researching ways that children grieve a loss of a baby in their lives. Some of the things they said are the following:

1. Change in behavior
2. Change in eating
3. Naming something after the baby

So far, Ryder has displayed some behaviors. Whether they are new or not, I'm not certain. :) Even though Ryder had his "moments" of crying/whining I would admit that it has been ALOT of whining and crying lately. So, maybe this relates to his loss maybe it doesn't. I'm not totally sure.

The second change is their eating behavior. Thankfully there has been no change in this one. Usually one of Ryder's favorite things to do is eat! :)

My dear friends from my accounting program at BYU delivered the most beautiful flowers along with the cutest bear. Ryder and I opened it together and Ryder was very cute with the bear. He said "this bear is so cute" and has been sleeping with his bear and monkey for the last couple nights. Yesterday our conversation went as follows:

Ryder: "Mom, can you go get my baby?"

Me: "What and where is your baby?"

Ryder: "My little bear"

Me: "Oh the new little one...okay I'll go find it"

I bring it out to the car and we drive for some time.

Ryder: "Mom...can I name my bear Tyler?"

Me: "Yes, of course you can name your bear Tyler."

There it was! Then it really hit me that poor Ryder was and is grieving the loss of Tyler in his own way. Even though he still asks Owen to include Tyler in their nightly stories, he hasn't talked about Tyler lately so I thought he was almost forgetting. But, maybe he will always remember him just like me.

Are you an "Oak Tree"?

I came across this poem on this blog http://lessonsoftheoaktree.blogspot.com/. I know so many of you are "Oak Trees" because of your experiences in your life and are still standing strong. Thank you for your examples.

The Oak Tree
by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.

A mighty wind blew night and day.
It stole the Oak Tree's leaves away.
Then snapped its boughs
and pulled its bark
until the Oak was tired and stark.

But still the Oak Tree held its ground
while other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing Oak?"

The Oak Tree said, I know that you
can break each branch of mine in two,
carry every leaf away,
shake my limbs and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,
growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see
they are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't sure
of just how much I could endure.
But now I've found with thanks to you,
I'm stronger than I ever knew.

Memories in My Heart

Good Days and Bad Days

When people ask me how I am doing I think the most honest answer is "there are good days and bad days". Grieving a loss is a process and I know over time things will be okay. Today I really did feel that good things are coming, or there is something good coming. I hope my instincts are right.

I rewatched an FSA (Familes Supporting Adoption) lecture on failed placements. I watched it after baby Jackson from Ohio didn't come into our family. Watching it again I realized there was much I missed the first time because this time it was a much more significant loss.

A couple of things the speaker pointed out was the following:

1. Adoption loss is very similar to an infant death. The adoptive parents experience the same type of feelings.

2. With adoption loss you lose two people. Not only do you lose the baby, but you lose the friendship, love and relationship you have built with the birthmother.

3. God knows the end from the beginning and you will not miss out on your children.


These three points have helped me to validate that it is okay for me to grieve like I am. It also explains why I feel like I am missing more than just Tyler, I do really miss Lisa and I still love her even though she unintentionally hurt me. The third point is exactly what I needed to hear. I have been reading and searching and trying to figure out Heavenly Father's plan for this entire situation. But, what I most wanted to hear is that we didn't miss out on one of our children. This brings me so much comfort.

This woman who gave the talk ended up adopting three children and also had three failed placements. When their third child came they felt complete. Now that they are done building their family she says that looking back she knows she didn't miss out on her children (failed placements) and that she feels strongly that your children will come to you if they are supposed to be in your family. She said that God knows who is going to place for adoption and who is going to parent; therefore, you will not miss out on your children. This is what I needed to hear and it is what I am going to believe. I just can't think of it any other way.

I'm not sure if I believe that we are each given specific trials purposely. Nevertheless, everyone will experience trials and its finding strength to lean on Him that gets us through.

Good Things to Come

This video truly touches my soul. I feel one of Christ's apostle's love pour out for me as he says, "Don't you Quit, you keep walking, you keep trying. Some blessings come soon, some come late, some come in heaven. It will be alright in the end."

Missing Piece

Tonight I just feel like there is a missing piece in our family. I used to feel very complete with just us three, but now I don't. My heart aches for him. I want assurance that he is okay and being loved. The not knowing is so hard.

Some how I have to move on. I'm not ready yet...but this is tearing me apart.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
-Psalms 30:5

Prayers for Tyler

Lisa's sister called me tonight. We love her so much. She is a fun person to talk to and has great family values. She tried to apologize for everything and I told her it was not her fault. In the end she was supportive of the adoption and we thank her for that.

She told me some sad news tonight. Lisa moved out of her house and is on her own for the first time with Tyler. Tyler ended up in the hospital. Lisa took him there because she said he was throwing up. She then asked the nurses if she could leave because she had something to do. The nurse told Lisa's sister that in 26 years she has never seen a parent leave her child in the ER. Tyler was very hungry when he arrived and had rashes up and down his legs. I think the hospital called CYFD. When Lisa was found by her sister she was with a boy on the floor in her new place. I guess this is what she needed to do that was so important instead of be with Tyler. Her sister thinks that Tyler will end up in foster care for a long, long time.

Lisa's sister kept referring to Tyler as "the baby". I asked if Lisa had changed his name since she is calling him "the baby". She said no. She left his name Tyler Lawrence and just changed his last name. I find that very interesting that she left Lawrence as that is Owen's middle name. I would have thought she would have changed that and possibly his first name. Lisa's sister said that she refers to Tyler as "my baby" instead of using his first name.

Life is not fair, and poor Tyler is starting out a very rough road ahead.

I think she told me all of this because she knew I would understand how she feels and was basically telling me that Tyler would be better in our home. But, I just want to know he is being loved and cared for. He's just a baby and deserves at least that.

If she is going to parent please, please love and take care of Tyler. Please pray for Tyler that he is loved, safe, and is being taken care of.

Adoption and Abortion

I loved this video. I love when she says "Being a parent is about putting your child first. I was enough, I was enough. But, when there was better, he had to have that. I had to give that to him."

This adoption story reminds me so much of Ryder's adoption story. Dar, chose more for Ryder and we knew her and her parents from long ago. It was an instant undescribable connection. We can never thank her and her parents more for giving us Ryder.

Do We Have a Brother Yet?

Every night since I can remember Ryder wakes up in the middle of the night, comes walking into our room while dragging his monkey by the tail, and crawls up in our bed for the rest of the night. Owen and I LOVE it! Owen wakes up around 5 AM (yes, not sure how he does this) and leaves Ryder and I sleeping in while he goes to work.

This morning I open my eyes and see Ryder's face smiling at me. He says, "Good morning Mama, do we have a brother yet?" It took me a second to tell him "not yet, but hopefully someday".

Happy One Month Birthday

Tyler is one month old today...and my mind would not let me forget it. Waves of memories kept forcing themselves into my brain. It doesn't seem like it was a month ago. It feels like it was yesterday.

The hospital staff were so nice to Owen and I. Most of them were pro-adoption and wanted it to happen. Of course I think there was one nurse who was not very happy about it. People are so uneducated about adoption. People who are unfamiliar with adoption think "how can someone give away her baby!" What they don't realize is that this mother loves her child SO much that she is willing to give them MORE because she knows in her heart she is not ready to parent. That kind of love is pure, unselfish love. Only a mothers love. One birthmother said is best when she said "I would rather suffer than have my baby suffer." I absolutely LOVE all birthmothers regardless of their situations. Of course they love their child and that is why they choose to place their child for adoption. Period.

Today I kept thinking about all of the things we could have done differently. I would have begged Lisa to place Tyler in a foster home for one week to just see if the father would change his mind. I would have driven down to see Lisa and Tyler sooner than when I did. I would have sent her more e-mails with links about adoption and videos the night she was deciding. Who knows if there would have been a different outcome. I guess that is how we learn things.

I keep reading about birthmothers who ended up changing their minds about parenting and placing their babies when they were one, three, nine, or even 18 months old. I can't help but keep wishing that she will be one of the few who change her mind. I know I need to move on, but it's so hard hearing these stories. How do I move on and let go when I'm still hopeful for a call saying she changed her mind?

Today Ryder and I made it to the zoo around 11:30am (better than yesterday!). We then went to his first dentist appointment and I was so proud of him. He opened his mouth wide and listened very well. He has no cavities...hooray!

A Day

Today was "a" day. Not a good day, not a bad day. Just a day. I finally managed to get Ryder and I dressed and ready to go out the door by 12:30pm. I took him to Explora and was able to read some of my book while he played with other kids. He had a good time and it was good to get out of the house for awhile. But, I was surprised by how anxious I was to get home. Home is a comforting place. I'm very lucky to have a nice home and husband and son. There is nothing like just being home. You can hide, breathe, and just be yourself.

After contemplating whether we should remove and take down our "Hoping to Adopt" profile we both decided to leave it up. Although we are terribly scared for another round, we can't help but wonder..."what if". I guess it's better to know then to always wonder "what if".

I used to ALWAYS believe that everything in life happens for a reason. I can honestly tell you that I'm not sure about that anymore. I am reading a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner. It is written by a Rabbi. In the book he talks about how God does not cause or want bad things to happen. He hasn't discussed the Savior yet in his book because he is a Rabbi, but today I remembered that God did not want Christ to go through what he went through...but he had to. All I know is that the Savior cried one tear for me in Gethsemane and surely felt my pain. I am so thankful that I am not alone and have HIM who understands my anguish.

In the book I am reading the author shares the story of Job in the Bible. Interestingly enough my mom just shared this story with me to. Job was a very righteous man but suffered and lost much. Yet, he never once stopped loving God. It is true that we are able to get through trials and life because of God's love for us. I am grateful for His love and for your prayers. I felt them today.

This was the perfect talk for me today. It is called "Turn to the Lord" by Elder Halstrom. Here is a link if you feel like reading it. http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-25,00.html

At least I have a DESIRE to turn to Him...and that's a start I suppose.

P.S. This is for Ryder as I will share these posts with him when he is older. We did not name you after the Ryder in the conference talk. :)

Thoughts

I know joy because I truly know real sorrow.

I feel numb, heavy, and remind myself every once in a while to just breathe.

On Friday, I was very angry. Angry with Lisa and angry with God wondering how he could do this to us when we have and are living a righteous life and truly Tyler would be better in our home and family, having the gospel of Jesus Christ in his life. I was angry at our infertility problem…something that I have forgotten since we have adopted Ryder.

Thankfully, my anger did not last long. I was able to go to Sacrament today. I left afterwards instead of staying for the meetings because I was afraid any look, comment or hug would have caused my knees to buckle collapsing me to the floor.

I miss him. I miss the way he tried to look for Ryder when Ryder was so loud and crashing everything in our house upside down. I miss the way he would pucker his lips together so tightly, lift his chin up, and refuse to eat anymore. I miss being able to stop his crying simply by whispering “Sshh”. He was and is a sweet baby in everyway.

Lisa said some hurtful things. The one that hit the hardest was saying that he was never even mine yet. Yes, he was never legally mine but he was carried in my heart for 3 months and carried in my arms for 13 wonderful days. Owen and I heard his first cry, fed him his first bottle, and changed his first diaper.

We named him.

He rode in his car seat for the first time in our car. His first home was ours.

When Lisa was deciding to parent or choose adoption Ryder and I went down to Socorro to visit Lisa and Tyler. The hardest part of the visit was seeing how Tyler knew Ryder’s voice and was looking for him. Ryder loved him so much, and Tyler loved Ryder. We didn’t tell Ryder what was really happening during all of this but Ryder knew. He was telling Tyler touching things like “Tyler, I love you so much!” “Tyler you are so cute!” “Tyler will cry when he’s not in our house”. Every night he asks Owen to tell him a story about McKenna, Brianna, Ryder, and Tyler. Owen graciously includes Tyler in the story but we are wondering how to stop. Every time Ryder mentions Tyler…which is still at least a couple times a day my heart stops.

Adoption loss is different than death in a way that is so hard to explain. He is not being held in God’s arms. There is no peace that I will be reunited with Tyler after this life. He will never be one of my children…and that is a hard loss to grieve.

Thank you's

Tyler will be one month old on Wednesday the 25th. Since we have been involved in this adoption for the past month I have not had the opportunity to thank certain people in my life.

Mom - Thank you so much for driving up to NM the same day Lisa went into Labor. We were so grateful that you were there to stay with Ryder while we were in the hospital. We were so lucky to have your help for more than a week (due to car problems). Your service was precious and so needed. It is obvious now why your car broke down and you had to return to our house till Sunday. It is very comforting to know that you experienced this with me. You were with me for more than half the time we had Tyler in our home.

Jesse - Thank you so much for letting us wake you up at 5:30am asking if you can watch Ryder and for watching him for the entire day and almost night. I know he had so much fun with you guys!

Owen - Thank you for just loving me no matter what my mood may be.

Angie - Thank you so much for bringing me books on loss and the book on hope. Thank you for talking and listening. For being there. Thank you for the lunch and dinner at CPK. Thank you for the fruit bowl you made for us for our visit with Ryder's birth mom. Angie has experienced much loss in losing her first baby 3 hours after he was born. She is a true example of fighting the fight, never giving up hope, and drawing near to the Savior instead of away during grief.

Dan & Leslie - Thank you for watching Ryder for me so that I could go out and get my nails done. Thank you also for the wonderful ribs and pasta dishs that lasted us truly the entire week! They were very very yummy.

Dan & Bri - Thank you for having us over for dinner and for just letting us talk.

Becky - Thank you for the sweet gift for Tyler. I am so excited to know you and it was wonderful to talk to you at the gym.

Becca - Thank you for the delicious dinner!! Thank you for watching Ryder for me so that I could go breathe for a minute.

Jessica - Thank you for helping me get out the door to the gym and for the delicious dinner!! I'm grateful for your example of how to handle things in life.

Sister Ball - Thank you for the delicious dinner. You were so sweet and your grandbaby is precious.

Courtney - Thank you for watching Ryder so that I could go to the temple.

Dad & Mom - Thank you for the gifts for Ryder and Tyler. Thank you for sending us flowers.

The Heids - Thank you for sending us flowers. Andrea, thank you for crying with me.

Dar - Thank you for spending so much time on the phone with Lisa. We love you SO much!

All my other family & friends - Thank you so much for your thoughts, calls, and prayers. Even though I may not return the call or text I am so grateful for them.

Claire - Thank you for being such a great social worker. You have worked so hard for our family over this last year. Thank you also for your words and council. I couldn't have gone through this without you.

Tyler's Story

It has been 4 days since my social worker called to tell me Lisa was going to parent Tyler.


When Owen and I received the phone call from Lisa's sister that she was in labor we hurried and got our things together and drove down to Soccorro NM. Before walking into the hospital Owen and I looked at each other anxiously and I said "Okay...are you ready to get on the roller coaster?" Adoption is truly that. It is filled with moments of incredible ups and downs and in this adoption it was a big and long ride. Although we have been selected by 3 other birthmoms that didn't go through before...this has been by far the hardest.



We had been corresponding with Lisa for close to 4 months (3 months before birth, and close to a month after he was born) and we really grew to love her very much and her sister. The hospital was so nice for Owen and I. After Tyler was born they gave us a room to stay in. Lisa wanted us to do everything with Tyler first and we were amazed by her strength. She was smiling it seemed like constantly and told us that she was just so happy for everyone. We took Tyler home from the hospital and was with him for almost two weeks before we got the call that the birthfather was stopping the adoption. There was nothing we could do and had to return Tyler back to his mom. A week went by and the birthfather changed his mind and was willing to relinquish. Lisa said she was still on board with the adoption. While we were anxiously awaiting to get a court date for her to relinguish her rights (yes, in NM they must relinguish infront of a judge while in Utah they only have to sign a paper) days would pass and I knew Lisa was struggling with her decision to place Tyler back in our home. She finally decided to parent. We do not blame her for choosing that after being with Tyler for so many days. When the birthfather changed his mind and wanted to do the adoption I asked Lisa if she thought Tyler should be placed in another's home until the court date or back with us even. She said no that she didn't want Tyler to be taken from our home again if the birthfather backed down. So, therefore there is nothing we could have done differently about the situation.



While still in NM I am going to lobby to get the laws changed here for adoption. It is ridiculous that a judge in Soccorro would not allow the birthparents to relinguish their rights. My question for him is he against adoption or the church? He had full jurisdiction to do this. Finding court dates for relinguishment was sooooo painful. I knew that every day that we still didn't have a court date our chances of getting Tyler back were getting smaller. It should not take weeks for this to happen. If this adoption would have happened in Utah I am convinced Tyler would still be in our home. I don't think we will ever adopt from New Mexico again. (Or, Texas as the birthparents have a year to change their minds).