Good Days and Bad Days

When people ask me how I am doing I think the most honest answer is "there are good days and bad days". Grieving a loss is a process and I know over time things will be okay. Today I really did feel that good things are coming, or there is something good coming. I hope my instincts are right.

I rewatched an FSA (Familes Supporting Adoption) lecture on failed placements. I watched it after baby Jackson from Ohio didn't come into our family. Watching it again I realized there was much I missed the first time because this time it was a much more significant loss.

A couple of things the speaker pointed out was the following:

1. Adoption loss is very similar to an infant death. The adoptive parents experience the same type of feelings.

2. With adoption loss you lose two people. Not only do you lose the baby, but you lose the friendship, love and relationship you have built with the birthmother.

3. God knows the end from the beginning and you will not miss out on your children.


These three points have helped me to validate that it is okay for me to grieve like I am. It also explains why I feel like I am missing more than just Tyler, I do really miss Lisa and I still love her even though she unintentionally hurt me. The third point is exactly what I needed to hear. I have been reading and searching and trying to figure out Heavenly Father's plan for this entire situation. But, what I most wanted to hear is that we didn't miss out on one of our children. This brings me so much comfort.

This woman who gave the talk ended up adopting three children and also had three failed placements. When their third child came they felt complete. Now that they are done building their family she says that looking back she knows she didn't miss out on her children (failed placements) and that she feels strongly that your children will come to you if they are supposed to be in your family. She said that God knows who is going to place for adoption and who is going to parent; therefore, you will not miss out on your children. This is what I needed to hear and it is what I am going to believe. I just can't think of it any other way.

I'm not sure if I believe that we are each given specific trials purposely. Nevertheless, everyone will experience trials and its finding strength to lean on Him that gets us through.