This video truly touches my soul. I feel one of Christ's apostle's love pour out for me as he says, "Don't you Quit, you keep walking, you keep trying. Some blessings come soon, some come late, some come in heaven. It will be alright in the end."
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Missing Piece
Tonight I just feel like there is a missing piece in our family. I used to feel very complete with just us three, but now I don't. My heart aches for him. I want assurance that he is okay and being loved. The not knowing is so hard.
Some how I have to move on. I'm not ready yet...but this is tearing me apart.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
-Psalms 30:5
Some how I have to move on. I'm not ready yet...but this is tearing me apart.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
-Psalms 30:5
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Prayers for Tyler
Lisa's sister called me tonight. We love her so much. She is a fun person to talk to and has great family values. She tried to apologize for everything and I told her it was not her fault. In the end she was supportive of the adoption and we thank her for that.
She told me some sad news tonight. Lisa moved out of her house and is on her own for the first time with Tyler. Tyler ended up in the hospital. Lisa took him there because she said he was throwing up. She then asked the nurses if she could leave because she had something to do. The nurse told Lisa's sister that in 26 years she has never seen a parent leave her child in the ER. Tyler was very hungry when he arrived and had rashes up and down his legs. I think the hospital called CYFD. When Lisa was found by her sister she was with a boy on the floor in her new place. I guess this is what she needed to do that was so important instead of be with Tyler. Her sister thinks that Tyler will end up in foster care for a long, long time.
Lisa's sister kept referring to Tyler as "the baby". I asked if Lisa had changed his name since she is calling him "the baby". She said no. She left his name Tyler Lawrence and just changed his last name. I find that very interesting that she left Lawrence as that is Owen's middle name. I would have thought she would have changed that and possibly his first name. Lisa's sister said that she refers to Tyler as "my baby" instead of using his first name.
Life is not fair, and poor Tyler is starting out a very rough road ahead.
I think she told me all of this because she knew I would understand how she feels and was basically telling me that Tyler would be better in our home. But, I just want to know he is being loved and cared for. He's just a baby and deserves at least that.
If she is going to parent please, please love and take care of Tyler. Please pray for Tyler that he is loved, safe, and is being taken care of.
She told me some sad news tonight. Lisa moved out of her house and is on her own for the first time with Tyler. Tyler ended up in the hospital. Lisa took him there because she said he was throwing up. She then asked the nurses if she could leave because she had something to do. The nurse told Lisa's sister that in 26 years she has never seen a parent leave her child in the ER. Tyler was very hungry when he arrived and had rashes up and down his legs. I think the hospital called CYFD. When Lisa was found by her sister she was with a boy on the floor in her new place. I guess this is what she needed to do that was so important instead of be with Tyler. Her sister thinks that Tyler will end up in foster care for a long, long time.
Lisa's sister kept referring to Tyler as "the baby". I asked if Lisa had changed his name since she is calling him "the baby". She said no. She left his name Tyler Lawrence and just changed his last name. I find that very interesting that she left Lawrence as that is Owen's middle name. I would have thought she would have changed that and possibly his first name. Lisa's sister said that she refers to Tyler as "my baby" instead of using his first name.
Life is not fair, and poor Tyler is starting out a very rough road ahead.
I think she told me all of this because she knew I would understand how she feels and was basically telling me that Tyler would be better in our home. But, I just want to know he is being loved and cared for. He's just a baby and deserves at least that.
If she is going to parent please, please love and take care of Tyler. Please pray for Tyler that he is loved, safe, and is being taken care of.
Adoption and Abortion
I loved this video. I love when she says "Being a parent is about putting your child first. I was enough, I was enough. But, when there was better, he had to have that. I had to give that to him."
This adoption story reminds me so much of Ryder's adoption story. Dar, chose more for Ryder and we knew her and her parents from long ago. It was an instant undescribable connection. We can never thank her and her parents more for giving us Ryder.
Do We Have a Brother Yet?
Every night since I can remember Ryder wakes up in the middle of the night, comes walking into our room while dragging his monkey by the tail, and crawls up in our bed for the rest of the night. Owen and I LOVE it! Owen wakes up around 5 AM (yes, not sure how he does this) and leaves Ryder and I sleeping in while he goes to work.
This morning I open my eyes and see Ryder's face smiling at me. He says, "Good morning Mama, do we have a brother yet?" It took me a second to tell him "not yet, but hopefully someday".
This morning I open my eyes and see Ryder's face smiling at me. He says, "Good morning Mama, do we have a brother yet?" It took me a second to tell him "not yet, but hopefully someday".
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Happy One Month Birthday
Tyler is one month old today...and my mind would not let me forget it. Waves of memories kept forcing themselves into my brain. It doesn't seem like it was a month ago. It feels like it was yesterday.
The hospital staff were so nice to Owen and I. Most of them were pro-adoption and wanted it to happen. Of course I think there was one nurse who was not very happy about it. People are so uneducated about adoption. People who are unfamiliar with adoption think "how can someone give away her baby!" What they don't realize is that this mother loves her child SO much that she is willing to give them MORE because she knows in her heart she is not ready to parent. That kind of love is pure, unselfish love. Only a mothers love. One birthmother said is best when she said "I would rather suffer than have my baby suffer." I absolutely LOVE all birthmothers regardless of their situations. Of course they love their child and that is why they choose to place their child for adoption. Period.
Today I kept thinking about all of the things we could have done differently. I would have begged Lisa to place Tyler in a foster home for one week to just see if the father would change his mind. I would have driven down to see Lisa and Tyler sooner than when I did. I would have sent her more e-mails with links about adoption and videos the night she was deciding. Who knows if there would have been a different outcome. I guess that is how we learn things.
I keep reading about birthmothers who ended up changing their minds about parenting and placing their babies when they were one, three, nine, or even 18 months old. I can't help but keep wishing that she will be one of the few who change her mind. I know I need to move on, but it's so hard hearing these stories. How do I move on and let go when I'm still hopeful for a call saying she changed her mind?
Today Ryder and I made it to the zoo around 11:30am (better than yesterday!). We then went to his first dentist appointment and I was so proud of him. He opened his mouth wide and listened very well. He has no cavities...hooray!
The hospital staff were so nice to Owen and I. Most of them were pro-adoption and wanted it to happen. Of course I think there was one nurse who was not very happy about it. People are so uneducated about adoption. People who are unfamiliar with adoption think "how can someone give away her baby!" What they don't realize is that this mother loves her child SO much that she is willing to give them MORE because she knows in her heart she is not ready to parent. That kind of love is pure, unselfish love. Only a mothers love. One birthmother said is best when she said "I would rather suffer than have my baby suffer." I absolutely LOVE all birthmothers regardless of their situations. Of course they love their child and that is why they choose to place their child for adoption. Period.
Today I kept thinking about all of the things we could have done differently. I would have begged Lisa to place Tyler in a foster home for one week to just see if the father would change his mind. I would have driven down to see Lisa and Tyler sooner than when I did. I would have sent her more e-mails with links about adoption and videos the night she was deciding. Who knows if there would have been a different outcome. I guess that is how we learn things.
I keep reading about birthmothers who ended up changing their minds about parenting and placing their babies when they were one, three, nine, or even 18 months old. I can't help but keep wishing that she will be one of the few who change her mind. I know I need to move on, but it's so hard hearing these stories. How do I move on and let go when I'm still hopeful for a call saying she changed her mind?
Today Ryder and I made it to the zoo around 11:30am (better than yesterday!). We then went to his first dentist appointment and I was so proud of him. He opened his mouth wide and listened very well. He has no cavities...hooray!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A Day
Today was "a" day. Not a good day, not a bad day. Just a day. I finally managed to get Ryder and I dressed and ready to go out the door by 12:30pm. I took him to Explora and was able to read some of my book while he played with other kids. He had a good time and it was good to get out of the house for awhile. But, I was surprised by how anxious I was to get home. Home is a comforting place. I'm very lucky to have a nice home and husband and son. There is nothing like just being home. You can hide, breathe, and just be yourself.
After contemplating whether we should remove and take down our "Hoping to Adopt" profile we both decided to leave it up. Although we are terribly scared for another round, we can't help but wonder..."what if". I guess it's better to know then to always wonder "what if".
I used to ALWAYS believe that everything in life happens for a reason. I can honestly tell you that I'm not sure about that anymore. I am reading a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner. It is written by a Rabbi. In the book he talks about how God does not cause or want bad things to happen. He hasn't discussed the Savior yet in his book because he is a Rabbi, but today I remembered that God did not want Christ to go through what he went through...but he had to. All I know is that the Savior cried one tear for me in Gethsemane and surely felt my pain. I am so thankful that I am not alone and have HIM who understands my anguish.
In the book I am reading the author shares the story of Job in the Bible. Interestingly enough my mom just shared this story with me to. Job was a very righteous man but suffered and lost much. Yet, he never once stopped loving God. It is true that we are able to get through trials and life because of God's love for us. I am grateful for His love and for your prayers. I felt them today.
This was the perfect talk for me today. It is called "Turn to the Lord" by Elder Halstrom. Here is a link if you feel like reading it. http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-25,00.html
At least I have a DESIRE to turn to Him...and that's a start I suppose.
P.S. This is for Ryder as I will share these posts with him when he is older. We did not name you after the Ryder in the conference talk. :)
After contemplating whether we should remove and take down our "Hoping to Adopt" profile we both decided to leave it up. Although we are terribly scared for another round, we can't help but wonder..."what if". I guess it's better to know then to always wonder "what if".
I used to ALWAYS believe that everything in life happens for a reason. I can honestly tell you that I'm not sure about that anymore. I am reading a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner. It is written by a Rabbi. In the book he talks about how God does not cause or want bad things to happen. He hasn't discussed the Savior yet in his book because he is a Rabbi, but today I remembered that God did not want Christ to go through what he went through...but he had to. All I know is that the Savior cried one tear for me in Gethsemane and surely felt my pain. I am so thankful that I am not alone and have HIM who understands my anguish.
In the book I am reading the author shares the story of Job in the Bible. Interestingly enough my mom just shared this story with me to. Job was a very righteous man but suffered and lost much. Yet, he never once stopped loving God. It is true that we are able to get through trials and life because of God's love for us. I am grateful for His love and for your prayers. I felt them today.
This was the perfect talk for me today. It is called "Turn to the Lord" by Elder Halstrom. Here is a link if you feel like reading it. http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-25,00.html
At least I have a DESIRE to turn to Him...and that's a start I suppose.
P.S. This is for Ryder as I will share these posts with him when he is older. We did not name you after the Ryder in the conference talk. :)
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thoughts
I know joy because I truly know real sorrow.
I feel numb, heavy, and remind myself every once in a while to just breathe.
On Friday, I was very angry. Angry with Lisa and angry with God wondering how he could do this to us when we have and are living a righteous life and truly Tyler would be better in our home and family, having the gospel of Jesus Christ in his life. I was angry at our infertility problem…something that I have forgotten since we have adopted Ryder.
Thankfully, my anger did not last long. I was able to go to Sacrament today. I left afterwards instead of staying for the meetings because I was afraid any look, comment or hug would have caused my knees to buckle collapsing me to the floor.
I miss him. I miss the way he tried to look for Ryder when Ryder was so loud and crashing everything in our house upside down. I miss the way he would pucker his lips together so tightly, lift his chin up, and refuse to eat anymore. I miss being able to stop his crying simply by whispering “Sshh”. He was and is a sweet baby in everyway.
Lisa said some hurtful things. The one that hit the hardest was saying that he was never even mine yet. Yes, he was never legally mine but he was carried in my heart for 3 months and carried in my arms for 13 wonderful days. Owen and I heard his first cry, fed him his first bottle, and changed his first diaper.
We named him.
He rode in his car seat for the first time in our car. His first home was ours.
When Lisa was deciding to parent or choose adoption Ryder and I went down to Socorro to visit Lisa and Tyler. The hardest part of the visit was seeing how Tyler knew Ryder’s voice and was looking for him. Ryder loved him so much, and Tyler loved Ryder. We didn’t tell Ryder what was really happening during all of this but Ryder knew. He was telling Tyler touching things like “Tyler, I love you so much!” “Tyler you are so cute!” “Tyler will cry when he’s not in our house”. Every night he asks Owen to tell him a story about McKenna, Brianna, Ryder, and Tyler. Owen graciously includes Tyler in the story but we are wondering how to stop. Every time Ryder mentions Tyler…which is still at least a couple times a day my heart stops.
Adoption loss is different than death in a way that is so hard to explain. He is not being held in God’s arms. There is no peace that I will be reunited with Tyler after this life. He will never be one of my children…and that is a hard loss to grieve.
I feel numb, heavy, and remind myself every once in a while to just breathe.
On Friday, I was very angry. Angry with Lisa and angry with God wondering how he could do this to us when we have and are living a righteous life and truly Tyler would be better in our home and family, having the gospel of Jesus Christ in his life. I was angry at our infertility problem…something that I have forgotten since we have adopted Ryder.
Thankfully, my anger did not last long. I was able to go to Sacrament today. I left afterwards instead of staying for the meetings because I was afraid any look, comment or hug would have caused my knees to buckle collapsing me to the floor.
I miss him. I miss the way he tried to look for Ryder when Ryder was so loud and crashing everything in our house upside down. I miss the way he would pucker his lips together so tightly, lift his chin up, and refuse to eat anymore. I miss being able to stop his crying simply by whispering “Sshh”. He was and is a sweet baby in everyway.
Lisa said some hurtful things. The one that hit the hardest was saying that he was never even mine yet. Yes, he was never legally mine but he was carried in my heart for 3 months and carried in my arms for 13 wonderful days. Owen and I heard his first cry, fed him his first bottle, and changed his first diaper.
We named him.
He rode in his car seat for the first time in our car. His first home was ours.
When Lisa was deciding to parent or choose adoption Ryder and I went down to Socorro to visit Lisa and Tyler. The hardest part of the visit was seeing how Tyler knew Ryder’s voice and was looking for him. Ryder loved him so much, and Tyler loved Ryder. We didn’t tell Ryder what was really happening during all of this but Ryder knew. He was telling Tyler touching things like “Tyler, I love you so much!” “Tyler you are so cute!” “Tyler will cry when he’s not in our house”. Every night he asks Owen to tell him a story about McKenna, Brianna, Ryder, and Tyler. Owen graciously includes Tyler in the story but we are wondering how to stop. Every time Ryder mentions Tyler…which is still at least a couple times a day my heart stops.
Adoption loss is different than death in a way that is so hard to explain. He is not being held in God’s arms. There is no peace that I will be reunited with Tyler after this life. He will never be one of my children…and that is a hard loss to grieve.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thank you's
Tyler will be one month old on Wednesday the 25th. Since we have been involved in this adoption for the past month I have not had the opportunity to thank certain people in my life.
Mom - Thank you so much for driving up to NM the same day Lisa went into Labor. We were so grateful that you were there to stay with Ryder while we were in the hospital. We were so lucky to have your help for more than a week (due to car problems). Your service was precious and so needed. It is obvious now why your car broke down and you had to return to our house till Sunday. It is very comforting to know that you experienced this with me. You were with me for more than half the time we had Tyler in our home.
Jesse - Thank you so much for letting us wake you up at 5:30am asking if you can watch Ryder and for watching him for the entire day and almost night. I know he had so much fun with you guys!
Owen - Thank you for just loving me no matter what my mood may be.
Angie - Thank you so much for bringing me books on loss and the book on hope. Thank you for talking and listening. For being there. Thank you for the lunch and dinner at CPK. Thank you for the fruit bowl you made for us for our visit with Ryder's birth mom. Angie has experienced much loss in losing her first baby 3 hours after he was born. She is a true example of fighting the fight, never giving up hope, and drawing near to the Savior instead of away during grief.
Dan & Leslie - Thank you for watching Ryder for me so that I could go out and get my nails done. Thank you also for the wonderful ribs and pasta dishs that lasted us truly the entire week! They were very very yummy.
Dan & Bri - Thank you for having us over for dinner and for just letting us talk.
Becky - Thank you for the sweet gift for Tyler. I am so excited to know you and it was wonderful to talk to you at the gym.
Becca - Thank you for the delicious dinner!! Thank you for watching Ryder for me so that I could go breathe for a minute.
Jessica - Thank you for helping me get out the door to the gym and for the delicious dinner!! I'm grateful for your example of how to handle things in life.
Sister Ball - Thank you for the delicious dinner. You were so sweet and your grandbaby is precious.
Courtney - Thank you for watching Ryder so that I could go to the temple.
Dad & Mom - Thank you for the gifts for Ryder and Tyler. Thank you for sending us flowers.
The Heids - Thank you for sending us flowers. Andrea, thank you for crying with me.
Dar - Thank you for spending so much time on the phone with Lisa. We love you SO much!
All my other family & friends - Thank you so much for your thoughts, calls, and prayers. Even though I may not return the call or text I am so grateful for them.
Claire - Thank you for being such a great social worker. You have worked so hard for our family over this last year. Thank you also for your words and council. I couldn't have gone through this without you.
Mom - Thank you so much for driving up to NM the same day Lisa went into Labor. We were so grateful that you were there to stay with Ryder while we were in the hospital. We were so lucky to have your help for more than a week (due to car problems). Your service was precious and so needed. It is obvious now why your car broke down and you had to return to our house till Sunday. It is very comforting to know that you experienced this with me. You were with me for more than half the time we had Tyler in our home.
Jesse - Thank you so much for letting us wake you up at 5:30am asking if you can watch Ryder and for watching him for the entire day and almost night. I know he had so much fun with you guys!
Owen - Thank you for just loving me no matter what my mood may be.
Angie - Thank you so much for bringing me books on loss and the book on hope. Thank you for talking and listening. For being there. Thank you for the lunch and dinner at CPK. Thank you for the fruit bowl you made for us for our visit with Ryder's birth mom. Angie has experienced much loss in losing her first baby 3 hours after he was born. She is a true example of fighting the fight, never giving up hope, and drawing near to the Savior instead of away during grief.
Dan & Leslie - Thank you for watching Ryder for me so that I could go out and get my nails done. Thank you also for the wonderful ribs and pasta dishs that lasted us truly the entire week! They were very very yummy.
Dan & Bri - Thank you for having us over for dinner and for just letting us talk.
Becky - Thank you for the sweet gift for Tyler. I am so excited to know you and it was wonderful to talk to you at the gym.
Becca - Thank you for the delicious dinner!! Thank you for watching Ryder for me so that I could go breathe for a minute.
Jessica - Thank you for helping me get out the door to the gym and for the delicious dinner!! I'm grateful for your example of how to handle things in life.
Sister Ball - Thank you for the delicious dinner. You were so sweet and your grandbaby is precious.
Courtney - Thank you for watching Ryder so that I could go to the temple.
Dad & Mom - Thank you for the gifts for Ryder and Tyler. Thank you for sending us flowers.
The Heids - Thank you for sending us flowers. Andrea, thank you for crying with me.
Dar - Thank you for spending so much time on the phone with Lisa. We love you SO much!
All my other family & friends - Thank you so much for your thoughts, calls, and prayers. Even though I may not return the call or text I am so grateful for them.
Claire - Thank you for being such a great social worker. You have worked so hard for our family over this last year. Thank you also for your words and council. I couldn't have gone through this without you.
Tyler's Story
It has been 4 days since my social worker called to tell me Lisa was going to parent Tyler.
When Owen and I received the phone call from Lisa's sister that she was in labor we hurried and got our things together and drove down to Soccorro NM. Before walking into the hospital Owen and I looked at each other anxiously and I said "Okay...are you ready to get on the roller coaster?" Adoption is truly that. It is filled with moments of incredible ups and downs and in this adoption it was a big and long ride. Although we have been selected by 3 other birthmoms that didn't go through before...this has been by far the hardest.
We had been corresponding with Lisa for close to 4 months (3 months before birth, and close to a month after he was born) and we really grew to love her very much and her sister. The hospital was so nice for Owen and I. After Tyler was born they gave us a room to stay in. Lisa wanted us to do everything with Tyler first and we were amazed by her strength. She was smiling it seemed like constantly and told us that she was just so happy for everyone. We took Tyler home from the hospital and was with him for almost two weeks before we got the call that the birthfather was stopping the adoption. There was nothing we could do and had to return Tyler back to his mom. A week went by and the birthfather changed his mind and was willing to relinquish. Lisa said she was still on board with the adoption. While we were anxiously awaiting to get a court date for her to relinguish her rights (yes, in NM they must relinguish infront of a judge while in Utah they only have to sign a paper) days would pass and I knew Lisa was struggling with her decision to place Tyler back in our home. She finally decided to parent. We do not blame her for choosing that after being with Tyler for so many days. When the birthfather changed his mind and wanted to do the adoption I asked Lisa if she thought Tyler should be placed in another's home until the court date or back with us even. She said no that she didn't want Tyler to be taken from our home again if the birthfather backed down. So, therefore there is nothing we could have done differently about the situation.
While still in NM I am going to lobby to get the laws changed here for adoption. It is ridiculous that a judge in Soccorro would not allow the birthparents to relinguish their rights. My question for him is he against adoption or the church? He had full jurisdiction to do this. Finding court dates for relinguishment was sooooo painful. I knew that every day that we still didn't have a court date our chances of getting Tyler back were getting smaller. It should not take weeks for this to happen. If this adoption would have happened in Utah I am convinced Tyler would still be in our home. I don't think we will ever adopt from New Mexico again. (Or, Texas as the birthparents have a year to change their minds).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)