Just a side note...Jewel is from Owen's same city Soldotna, Alaska. She sang at my SIL's wedding. :)
Friday, September 24, 2010
Happy Second Month Birthday
Last week my sister and her twin girls came to visit us. It was so needed and felt great to be around her with her girls McKenna and Brianna. It was life the way it was before Tyler and I was amazed how 10 or even 30 minutes would go by without me thinking of Tyler. Every day is getting better but things natually remind me of him and I know with time I will get over this loss. Maybe not ever completely, but enough for me to continue living a happy life.
I'm very grateful for my sisters. My twin and I share a special bond. During her stay we each shared a tear or two. She is a remarkable example of living life with a postive attitude despite life's obstacles. Her twins were born early and are both special needs children. McKenna just started walking at age three. We are so proud of her! She is a very determined little girl. We don't know yet if she will ever be able to run, but it is truly a miracle that she is even walking. Brianna is nonverbal and has some major eye sight problems. My sister thinks she has a type of autism. She is so beautiful, sweet, and has such a special spirit. I was able to hold her and I felt her love and Heavenly Father's love so strong through her. It was like she was telling me "It will be okay Camille." We are very lucky to have those girls in our family. McKenna, Brianna, and Ryder have such a special relationship. Without a doubt I know they knew each other before coming to earth. The connection between them is so strong. They love each other SO much!
It was so sad when they left. Even Ryder was very sad. He told me he didn't want to live in New Mexico anymore and that he wanted to move to Utah.
When they left Tyler's memories came back strong again and particularly tonight as his second month birthday is tomorrow. I wonder if every birthday of Tyler's if Lisa won't remember us at the hospital taking care of all of Tyler's firsts. I was able to sleep with him at the hospital on his first night he was born. I wonder if mom's remember their delivery on their childrens birthday? I think of Darianne, Ryders birthmom all day long on Ryder's birthdays. It would seem that Lisa will always remember us on his birthday as we were there in the hospital so involved...but maybe not...who knows?
I do miss him tonight. Shortly after we lost Tyler I found a new song that Jewel wrote about loss. It reminds me of Tyler. I will try to post it next.
Luckily tomorrow we have a very busy day to keep my mind off him. Ryder has a pancake party at his preschool, I have a baby shower for my sweet friend who lost Bennett after he was born and her second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage (she is a true example that the sun will shine again), Ryder's friend has a birthday party, and Owen is the ortho surgeon for a hockey team tomorrow night so we will be watching some hockey and BYU Football, and I look forward to watching the general relief society broadcast after we get home. I love DVR, and BTW my favorite TV show is Modern Family. I highly recommend you start watching. We just received Season 1 from netflix and it is hilarious!!
I'm very grateful for my sisters. My twin and I share a special bond. During her stay we each shared a tear or two. She is a remarkable example of living life with a postive attitude despite life's obstacles. Her twins were born early and are both special needs children. McKenna just started walking at age three. We are so proud of her! She is a very determined little girl. We don't know yet if she will ever be able to run, but it is truly a miracle that she is even walking. Brianna is nonverbal and has some major eye sight problems. My sister thinks she has a type of autism. She is so beautiful, sweet, and has such a special spirit. I was able to hold her and I felt her love and Heavenly Father's love so strong through her. It was like she was telling me "It will be okay Camille." We are very lucky to have those girls in our family. McKenna, Brianna, and Ryder have such a special relationship. Without a doubt I know they knew each other before coming to earth. The connection between them is so strong. They love each other SO much!
It was so sad when they left. Even Ryder was very sad. He told me he didn't want to live in New Mexico anymore and that he wanted to move to Utah.
When they left Tyler's memories came back strong again and particularly tonight as his second month birthday is tomorrow. I wonder if every birthday of Tyler's if Lisa won't remember us at the hospital taking care of all of Tyler's firsts. I was able to sleep with him at the hospital on his first night he was born. I wonder if mom's remember their delivery on their childrens birthday? I think of Darianne, Ryders birthmom all day long on Ryder's birthdays. It would seem that Lisa will always remember us on his birthday as we were there in the hospital so involved...but maybe not...who knows?
I do miss him tonight. Shortly after we lost Tyler I found a new song that Jewel wrote about loss. It reminds me of Tyler. I will try to post it next.
Luckily tomorrow we have a very busy day to keep my mind off him. Ryder has a pancake party at his preschool, I have a baby shower for my sweet friend who lost Bennett after he was born and her second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage (she is a true example that the sun will shine again), Ryder's friend has a birthday party, and Owen is the ortho surgeon for a hockey team tomorrow night so we will be watching some hockey and BYU Football, and I look forward to watching the general relief society broadcast after we get home. I love DVR, and BTW my favorite TV show is Modern Family. I highly recommend you start watching. We just received Season 1 from netflix and it is hilarious!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Tender Mercies of the Lord
I was so excited to find a video for this talk by Elder Bednar that was given in Conference April 2005. This was while we were living in NYC and I was truly deeply anguished by our infertility. These days were dark, dark days for me. Much, much, much more darker than this experience. Infertility, miscarriage, or failed adoptions can be unseen heartaches. These are unseen heartaches because they are so personal they are usually not shared during the events. This makes it worse because you feel so alone and it is a period in your life when you need great support.
Until we were officially approved to adopt through LDS Family Services not one of my close friends in NYC knew of my past heartache with infertility. Looking back I know we made the right decision in when to share our adoption plans with our friends.
I am glad I decided to share this failed placement because it has been so comforting to not have to experience this grief, though smaller, alone this time.
This talk changed my life while in NYC. Even in times of complete despair I have witnessed tender mercies from the Lord. I have many, many, and many tender mercies that I am so very thankful for.
Here is the youtube link in case it's to slow feeding in the blog.
Hannah's Hope
I am reading a book called "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. It's about seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss. So far it's been an excellent book.
The title of the book couldn't be more perfect. Hannah is a true inspirational character in the Bible that I have related to during times in my life. It's hard to live in today's times and want children but have to keep waiting. I can't imagine how troubling it was in Hannah's times to not be able to have children. You were considered nothing without children back then.
The author of the book shares some of her feelings with adoption loss and says it so perfectly...
"Probably the hardest part of adoption loss is not knowing how the lives of each of these children turned out. Each of the children we hoped to adopt had become "ours" in our hearts for a time. Yet we do not know where they are or how they are. This is difficult, but I believe I have an idea of God's reasoning for even these heartbreaks. He allowed these children to touch our lives, and He is now using us as PERSONAL PRAYER WARRIORS in their lives (as well as in the lives of the biological families involved). I may never know, this side of heaven, God's plans for these precious ones, but I can pray for them always. What a blessing to be used in this way!
How amazing it will be to one day see what part my prayers played in God's plans for the children who share my heart, though not my home."
I truly am thankful to know that no one can take away prayer from me. I can always pray for Tyler and Lisa anytime I want to. What peace that brings!
The title of the book couldn't be more perfect. Hannah is a true inspirational character in the Bible that I have related to during times in my life. It's hard to live in today's times and want children but have to keep waiting. I can't imagine how troubling it was in Hannah's times to not be able to have children. You were considered nothing without children back then.
The author of the book shares some of her feelings with adoption loss and says it so perfectly...
"Probably the hardest part of adoption loss is not knowing how the lives of each of these children turned out. Each of the children we hoped to adopt had become "ours" in our hearts for a time. Yet we do not know where they are or how they are. This is difficult, but I believe I have an idea of God's reasoning for even these heartbreaks. He allowed these children to touch our lives, and He is now using us as PERSONAL PRAYER WARRIORS in their lives (as well as in the lives of the biological families involved). I may never know, this side of heaven, God's plans for these precious ones, but I can pray for them always. What a blessing to be used in this way!
How amazing it will be to one day see what part my prayers played in God's plans for the children who share my heart, though not my home."
I truly am thankful to know that no one can take away prayer from me. I can always pray for Tyler and Lisa anytime I want to. What peace that brings!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Happy Times!!
Yesterday, Owen and Ryder left on a daddy/son and "guys trip" to the BYU/Airforce football game that is today. This is the BEST thing that Owen could do right now. Anyone that doesn't know Owen...he is an EXTREME BYU football fan! This trip is exactly what he needs right now. Airforce is good this year...I hope they win for Owen! GO COUGARS!!!
So, what is a wife to do with her husband and son gone for close to 48 hours??
I went to the spa...and didn't feel bad spending one penny of it!!! :) It was lovely and just what I needed.
I knew it would be great for Owen and Ryder to leave for a bit because I have some major bookkeeping and a corporate tax return to prepare, some serious cleaning to do, and a box full of mail/bills that I have neglected ever since we brought Tyler home. Even though this is suppose to be my "productive day" all I really want to do is...
1. Go shopping
2. Go sit by the pool at the gym and read (yes, I didn't say go to the gym to work out)
3. Go shopping
Don't get me wrong. Ryder is my WORLD. However, even grocery shopping without a 3 1/2 year old running around the store is peaceful and can become fun. :)
We'll see what happens today!? The pictures above are of Owen and Ryder and the boys before their trip to Colorado for the game. In the first picture Ryder is holding his "Tyler bear".
Children's Grieving
A week ago I was researching ways that children grieve a loss of a baby in their lives. Some of the things they said are the following:
1. Change in behavior
2. Change in eating
3. Naming something after the baby
So far, Ryder has displayed some behaviors. Whether they are new or not, I'm not certain. :) Even though Ryder had his "moments" of crying/whining I would admit that it has been ALOT of whining and crying lately. So, maybe this relates to his loss maybe it doesn't. I'm not totally sure.
The second change is their eating behavior. Thankfully there has been no change in this one. Usually one of Ryder's favorite things to do is eat! :)
My dear friends from my accounting program at BYU delivered the most beautiful flowers along with the cutest bear. Ryder and I opened it together and Ryder was very cute with the bear. He said "this bear is so cute" and has been sleeping with his bear and monkey for the last couple nights. Yesterday our conversation went as follows:
Ryder: "Mom, can you go get my baby?"
Me: "What and where is your baby?"
Ryder: "My little bear"
Me: "Oh the new little one...okay I'll go find it"
I bring it out to the car and we drive for some time.
Ryder: "Mom...can I name my bear Tyler?"
Me: "Yes, of course you can name your bear Tyler."
There it was! Then it really hit me that poor Ryder was and is grieving the loss of Tyler in his own way. Even though he still asks Owen to include Tyler in their nightly stories, he hasn't talked about Tyler lately so I thought he was almost forgetting. But, maybe he will always remember him just like me.
1. Change in behavior
2. Change in eating
3. Naming something after the baby
So far, Ryder has displayed some behaviors. Whether they are new or not, I'm not certain. :) Even though Ryder had his "moments" of crying/whining I would admit that it has been ALOT of whining and crying lately. So, maybe this relates to his loss maybe it doesn't. I'm not totally sure.
The second change is their eating behavior. Thankfully there has been no change in this one. Usually one of Ryder's favorite things to do is eat! :)
My dear friends from my accounting program at BYU delivered the most beautiful flowers along with the cutest bear. Ryder and I opened it together and Ryder was very cute with the bear. He said "this bear is so cute" and has been sleeping with his bear and monkey for the last couple nights. Yesterday our conversation went as follows:
Ryder: "Mom, can you go get my baby?"
Me: "What and where is your baby?"
Ryder: "My little bear"
Me: "Oh the new little one...okay I'll go find it"
I bring it out to the car and we drive for some time.
Ryder: "Mom...can I name my bear Tyler?"
Me: "Yes, of course you can name your bear Tyler."
There it was! Then it really hit me that poor Ryder was and is grieving the loss of Tyler in his own way. Even though he still asks Owen to include Tyler in their nightly stories, he hasn't talked about Tyler lately so I thought he was almost forgetting. But, maybe he will always remember him just like me.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Are you an "Oak Tree"?
I came across this poem on this blog http://lessonsoftheoaktree.blogspot.com/. I know so many of you are "Oak Trees" because of your experiences in your life and are still standing strong. Thank you for your examples.
The Oak Tree
by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.
by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.
A mighty wind blew night and day.
It stole the Oak Tree's leaves away.
Then snapped its boughs
and pulled its bark
until the Oak was tired and stark.
But still the Oak Tree held its ground
while other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing Oak?"
The Oak Tree said, I know that you
can break each branch of mine in two,
carry every leaf away,
shake my limbs and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see
they are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
of just how much I could endure.
But now I've found with thanks to you,
I'm stronger than I ever knew.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Good Days and Bad Days
When people ask me how I am doing I think the most honest answer is "there are good days and bad days". Grieving a loss is a process and I know over time things will be okay. Today I really did feel that good things are coming, or there is something good coming. I hope my instincts are right.
I rewatched an FSA (Familes Supporting Adoption) lecture on failed placements. I watched it after baby Jackson from Ohio didn't come into our family. Watching it again I realized there was much I missed the first time because this time it was a much more significant loss.
A couple of things the speaker pointed out was the following:
1. Adoption loss is very similar to an infant death. The adoptive parents experience the same type of feelings.
2. With adoption loss you lose two people. Not only do you lose the baby, but you lose the friendship, love and relationship you have built with the birthmother.
3. God knows the end from the beginning and you will not miss out on your children.
These three points have helped me to validate that it is okay for me to grieve like I am. It also explains why I feel like I am missing more than just Tyler, I do really miss Lisa and I still love her even though she unintentionally hurt me. The third point is exactly what I needed to hear. I have been reading and searching and trying to figure out Heavenly Father's plan for this entire situation. But, what I most wanted to hear is that we didn't miss out on one of our children. This brings me so much comfort.
This woman who gave the talk ended up adopting three children and also had three failed placements. When their third child came they felt complete. Now that they are done building their family she says that looking back she knows she didn't miss out on her children (failed placements) and that she feels strongly that your children will come to you if they are supposed to be in your family. She said that God knows who is going to place for adoption and who is going to parent; therefore, you will not miss out on your children. This is what I needed to hear and it is what I am going to believe. I just can't think of it any other way.
I'm not sure if I believe that we are each given specific trials purposely. Nevertheless, everyone will experience trials and its finding strength to lean on Him that gets us through.
I rewatched an FSA (Familes Supporting Adoption) lecture on failed placements. I watched it after baby Jackson from Ohio didn't come into our family. Watching it again I realized there was much I missed the first time because this time it was a much more significant loss.
A couple of things the speaker pointed out was the following:
1. Adoption loss is very similar to an infant death. The adoptive parents experience the same type of feelings.
2. With adoption loss you lose two people. Not only do you lose the baby, but you lose the friendship, love and relationship you have built with the birthmother.
3. God knows the end from the beginning and you will not miss out on your children.
These three points have helped me to validate that it is okay for me to grieve like I am. It also explains why I feel like I am missing more than just Tyler, I do really miss Lisa and I still love her even though she unintentionally hurt me. The third point is exactly what I needed to hear. I have been reading and searching and trying to figure out Heavenly Father's plan for this entire situation. But, what I most wanted to hear is that we didn't miss out on one of our children. This brings me so much comfort.
This woman who gave the talk ended up adopting three children and also had three failed placements. When their third child came they felt complete. Now that they are done building their family she says that looking back she knows she didn't miss out on her children (failed placements) and that she feels strongly that your children will come to you if they are supposed to be in your family. She said that God knows who is going to place for adoption and who is going to parent; therefore, you will not miss out on your children. This is what I needed to hear and it is what I am going to believe. I just can't think of it any other way.
I'm not sure if I believe that we are each given specific trials purposely. Nevertheless, everyone will experience trials and its finding strength to lean on Him that gets us through.
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