Today was "a" day. Not a good day, not a bad day. Just a day. I finally managed to get Ryder and I dressed and ready to go out the door by 12:30pm. I took him to Explora and was able to read some of my book while he played with other kids. He had a good time and it was good to get out of the house for awhile. But, I was surprised by how anxious I was to get home. Home is a comforting place. I'm very lucky to have a nice home and husband and son. There is nothing like just being home. You can hide, breathe, and just be yourself.
After contemplating whether we should remove and take down our "Hoping to Adopt" profile we both decided to leave it up. Although we are terribly scared for another round, we can't help but wonder..."what if". I guess it's better to know then to always wonder "what if".
I used to ALWAYS believe that everything in life happens for a reason. I can honestly tell you that I'm not sure about that anymore. I am reading a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner. It is written by a Rabbi. In the book he talks about how God does not cause or want bad things to happen. He hasn't discussed the Savior yet in his book because he is a Rabbi, but today I remembered that God did not want Christ to go through what he went through...but he had to. All I know is that the Savior cried one tear for me in Gethsemane and surely felt my pain. I am so thankful that I am not alone and have HIM who understands my anguish.
In the book I am reading the author shares the story of Job in the Bible. Interestingly enough my mom just shared this story with me to. Job was a very righteous man but suffered and lost much. Yet, he never once stopped loving God. It is true that we are able to get through trials and life because of God's love for us. I am grateful for His love and for your prayers. I felt them today.
This was the perfect talk for me today. It is called "Turn to the Lord" by Elder Halstrom. Here is a link if you feel like reading it. http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-25,00.html
At least I have a DESIRE to turn to Him...and that's a start I suppose.
P.S. This is for Ryder as I will share these posts with him when he is older. We did not name you after the Ryder in the conference talk. :)
Camille,
ReplyDeleteYour "desire" is the beginning of your healing - however long it may take. I wish I could be there to spend an afternoon with you and just put my arms around you. The Savior will do that for me.
I have heard of that book - is it supposed to be wonderful. I hope you find much comfort in his ideas.
We love you guys - Delynn
Thanks for sharing all of this with us Camille. This is heart wrenching to read about. you are very strong though. I taught gospel doctrine 2 sundays ago about Job and actually referenced this same talk. It's hard when we have to apply the atonement but I know it works. I don't have any comforting words. I just want you to know we've been thinking about praying for you every night. There is a video on lds.org about forgiveness that has helped me. It's not really a similar situation but it shows that other people are going through hard things and finding hope in the atonement. check it out if you want.
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